Filtered motherhood

I watch Instagraming and YouTubing mommas and wonder 

how they look so rested?

how do they look so refreshed?

how do they look so flawless?

I get down on myself 

because my skin has many imperfections 

and I have dark circles under my eyes

and my hair is an asshole

I feel guilty 

because I’m too tired to get out of my pjs half the time

because i don't have the energy to comb my hair

or do my make up

and because i love my kids

 but sometimes I blame them

I forget however 

that we primarily post the best part of ourselves and our lives 

because let’s be honest

who wants to see the bad and the ugly?

We filter the imperfections to show the beauty 

because motherhood is tiring and stressful

and it takes a toll un us physically and emotionally

but we don't want to admit it

Why post today?

Because I am not ashamed to say that I'm still struggling with getting accustomed to my mommy body 

and  how runown motherhood has left me feeling 

and how sad I get sometimes when I see my reflection in the mirror

Because although I will continue to filter my instagram

this is my outlet to express my reality and my unfiltered motherhood.

Yes, motherhood is beautiful!

But I'm fucking tired and it shows

Dear 15 year old self,

Worry less about fun and dedicate a little more time to your studies. You can go far if you focus on what you want to do. 

Worry less about your parents bills and enjoy being young. Youth is fleeting. 

Don't let any teacher make you feel stupid. Their anger and nastiness against you has less to do with your intelligence and more to do with the fact that they are terrible teachers.

Don't be afraid to try. Fear simply means it's worth trying. If you want to sing then sing. If you want to draw then draw. You can do whatever you want as long as you don't let fear hold you back.

You are not the ugly. However, if you want to feel pretty stop pretending you don't care about your looks and make an effort.

Stop comparing yourself to your friends. You are your own person and you have your own look. If a boy likes them and not you, then that boy is not the right boy for you.

Stop obsessing about your weight. Just because your friends are a size 0 and you are a size 2, it doesn't mean you're fat.

Work out more. You'll be surprised how much you actually like it.

Stop wearing you're brothers and father's cloths. Hiding in plain sight will get you nowhere.

Don't be afraid to be yourself. I know sometimes you feel like you don't belong, but you do.

Tell your parents how you feel more often or simply let yourself feel. Stop being so cynical, not everything will end up badly. The world is not against you. Also and most importantly, there’s nothing wrong with crying. Everyone knows you’re strong, but sometimes you just have to let it out.

Stop fighting others peoples battles. In fact, just stop fighting.

Don't let anyone make you feel "less than" because you can't afford name brand stuff. Actually, visit more thrift shops. You'll find your true style there.

Bake. Bake. Bake. You know you love it.

Make sure your friends know how much you love them. I don't think they do.

Most importantly, love yourself. You are important too.

DIY Birthday

I've always wanted to be that mom that makes everything for their kids. I would love to be able to make his cloth, his toys, sheets and anything else that can be made at home, but I don't have the talent, tools or time management skills. So, I focused my energy on wanting to make everything for his birthdays. I truly don't know why I chose to put that pressure on myself especially when there is nothing wrong with running to the party store and picking up some decorations.

Last year I tried making everything myself but didn't get as much as I wanted done. I couldn't get off of work and Baby boy's birthday falls on the same weekend as Thanksgiving. However, since I'm not working this year, I decided to make as much as I can myself. I trolled pinterest.com and made some of the things I liked.  Here are some of the things I made.

This is the invitation I made this year. Last year i printed at work and and mailed them. This year I used a website called celebrations.com. This website is similar to evite.com, but celerbrations allows you use your own graphics which is why i've been using it for years.

Front door sign. Initially I was going to put this outside but it was cold and windy so we used it on the foyer door instead. 

These Mickey head were used as on the cake table. I purchased these styrofoam balls in the 99 cent store.  The larger balls came in a two pack and the small ones in a four pack. I wanted to get more, but since it was gonna be my first time making them I only bought two. Regret that decision. Haha. I glued the styrofoam together, painted them and presto, Mickey Mouse heads.

Made and printed these out. One was for part hats and the other for the goodie bags.

Party hats were one of my favorite. Mainly cause I got to dust off and use my turquoise hot glue gun. I was going to purchase Mickey ears headbands. Each headband would have cost $2.99 for children sized ones. Instead I purchased 16 party hats for $1.80 and glued black ears.

Goodie "bags".  I used cups and added a bunch of age appropriate, Mickey theme toys. Again, no candy cause we had a bunch of sweets on the tables.

 

I wanted a personalized sign or poster this year. I priced getting something printed and it was just a little too expensive for something that was going to be used for a day. Instead I took a cardboard box cut out a frame and painted Mickey on it. In all honesty I was going to pain the whole thing, including the letters and party hat but I was so tired that I completely forgot. I cut out the hat and letters and glued them on. I actually liked it much better this way.

These bottles were a last minute purchase. I painted them in Mickey tones I used them to hold the balloons. The ones with Mickey heads were used on the cake table. My niece pointed out that I forgot the signature white buttons and she was completely right.

Cookies... Shapes were great, I decided not to frost them because we had enough sugar for the kiddos. 

And finally the cake. I bake on the side so this was my pride and joy. It tasted delicious and looked exactly how I imagined it. And JD was so happy when he first saw it. He smiled and pointed at it throughout the day.

I was so happy with the way everything turned out. But most importantly I loved watching JD enjoy his birthday decorations.

Happy daydreams,

Hilda

JD Turns 2

I'm exhausted from the week but I am also so happy. My baby is quickly turning in to a big boy. I can't believe time has passed so quickly. I still remember every detail of his pregnancy, birth and milestones.  I can't wait to continue to watch him grow and learn and turn in to his own person.

My heart is full! Simply full of joy and love.

  

  

    

 

Happy daydreams,

Hilda

Last week's recap: Toddler adventures

It's funny, I feel like no one understands how hard it is to try and adjust from working 9 to 5 to staying home with a toddler. It's rough, it really is. I said it before and I'll say it again- it's like getting to know my child, his quirks and habits. It's lovely, sad, exciting and scary all at once. It makes me doubt my self, my skills and my ability to be a good mother. It's emotional.

Nonetheless, regardless of my personal feelings, I've been trying my hardest to keep my baby boy entertained and most importantly happy. Trying to make the best of everyday and documenting what we do together. I remind myself daily (and with the help of some of my friends and family members) that this time will soon be over and I'll be wishing i could be with my baby boy everyday again. So I've been trying by best o do something different and exciting at least 3 times a week.

Here's what we did last week...

Mommy took me  to a playgroup that is free at our local library. Mommy was hopping to make some mommy-friends but the mommies at the group were just as antisocial as she is. But I had a great time with all the new toys. 

We went to visit grandma. It's not new but It's exciting cause I love to see my grandma and grandpa, plus my mommy stayed there late and I got to see and play with cousins and my aunt.

We went on a nature walk. Mommy pointed out all the different types of leaves and trees. And can you believe she actually let me pick stuff off the ground?  That was definitely a first. I had the most fun picking up and throwing the leafs at mommy.  

I also liked kicking the leafs.

Mommy, my grandmas (M & A), grandpa M and my cousin Lilly took a drive to ihop and then the mall. Nothing new there but I had a great time leaving the house and eating pancakes.  

I also love these rental strollers.

Lastly, on Saturday night mommy suggested family game night at grandma A's house. I had so much fun playing with mommy and daddy. I was matching shapes and colors. Mommy and daddy where very impressed that I found some of the cards all by myself. 

Things are starting to feel a little more normal. And i'm getting a better handle at a decent schedule. I'm still working on it tho.

Happy Dreaming,

Hilda

I miss her

Back in high school I met the person who I though would be in my life forever. No, I'm not talking about a boy. I'm talking about a friend. A best friend. Unfortunately, she's not in my life the way I had imagined she would be. And I miss her.

We were total opposites yet very much the alike, which is why we were perfect for each other. Our friendship was great but life always seemed to get in the way. Yet, we always found a way back to each other. This was our pattern, back and forth as life moved forward. We tried. We truly did but our lives were just always so different. These differences continued to cause separation.

It broke my heart that she was not there to share some important life milestones with me. She wasn’t there for my engagement. She wasn’t there for the first few months of my wedding planning. She wasn’t there when I picked my dress. She wasn’t there when I picked my bridesmaids. All the things we had talked about. It made me so very sad. I felt as if something was missing throughout the whole process. The only regret I have about my wedding was not having her in it. 

I don’t remember how nor did I care but we somehow reconnected. Things were great again.

Now we are at this point once again. We haven’t really spoken in several months. Sometime after JD was born we grew apart again. I’m not sure how. I’m not sure why. I’ve reached out sporadically and so has she but it has not been the same. 

A few months ago she got engaged and is in the process of planning her wedding. And I’m not sharing this wonderful part of her life with her. That makes me sad. And I truly miss her. I guess I have to wait for life to work itself out and wish her the best from afar.

Hilda

in my own head

I've been having a few of those days... You know, when you don't know exactly what's wrong or more like you don't want to accept it. You simple feel blah...

I've been dying to stay home so why am I so antsy to get back to work. Since my son was born all I ever wanted was to stay home and spend time with him. And I am enjoying getting to know him and experiencing him to the fullest. However, when he's napping or at the end of the night my head begins racing.  Now I have that opportunity that I've been wishing for but I'm struggling. So, why am I struggling with this? This question alone is giving me so much anxiety and GUILT! so much guilty. I feel guilty for wanting to go back to work... I feel like a horrible mom.

I''m sure I'm probably over emotional and I just need to relax, reset and restart. I'm a creature of habit and having some difficulty adjusting to this change. I need to breath and live in the moment but I've never been that type of gal. I've always had a plan.

Honestly, I don't know what the purpose of this post was besides just venting... However, today, in order to help myself get out of my head I followed my mom's advice, "a little make-up helps sometimes" and I must admit I feel a little less crappy today.

Hash Tag Feeling Pretty,

Hilda